(Heaven, 7 August 2008) In an exclusive interview with The Polemist this morning, God mightily expressed Her irritation at the Catholic Church and its latest scandals. “What a collection of losers!”She bellowed, slamming a fist on Her desk, causing a major breach in an Antarctic ice shelf. “Don’t those damn priests have anything better to do than diddle little kids?”
God characterized the Catholic Church’s many molestation scandals as only the latest in a long line of transgressions. “Inquisitions. Hate mongering. Snuggling up to vicious dictators and loony self-important kings. Imperious pronouncements… infallibility? Oh yeah, the popes got that one right. NOT! I’ve had it with the lot of them.”
Pacing Her office like an irritated tiger, your reporter had to hustle to stay out of Her way. “Didn’t those creeps sign up to do good works? Like, maybe administer to the poor? Or take care of the sick? Fight injustice? How about giving a little comfort here and there? I mean REALLY! How hard can giving comfort be?”
God seemed particularly incensed at what She described as the Church’s “dissing” of anybody who dares to talk to Her in ways not Church-approved. “The gall!” She shouted, slamming Her office door, triggering several magnitude 7 earthquakes in the Andes. “If those old farts in dresses don’t shape up, I’ll pull my name right off their precious crucifixes and THEN where will they be?”
Referring to the billions of dollars the Church has paid to silence their molestation victims, She added, “That money should have been used to clean up the mess you - ALL of you - made of my world. I didn’t give it to you, you idiots! I just said you could live there!” She then glared so fiercely at your reporter he was momentarily rendered blind. “And I may just revoke your lease.”
God then announced the Catholic Church is to have “a taste of its own medicine” as penance.
“I hereby order the entire organization - the clergy, the believers, the scholars and the bureaucrats and most especially the pope and his stooge cardinals and lackey bishops - to observe 500 years of silence!” Her voice boomed throughout the heavens and the sky opened and dumped hail on Boston, fires on L.A. and toads and snakes on the Vatican. “It’s time for Catholics to shut up about everybody else’s sins and contemplate their own for a while.”
“Five hundred years!” She thundered. “Let’s see what they accomplish in half a millennium. QUIETLY!” Hurricanes formed in the Atlantic and Pacific.
God said She is so disgusted with humanity “in oh so many ways” she is taking some personal time to think over the relationship. “You oh-so-self-important homo sapiens can rot on your own for a while.” Asked where God goes on vacation, She replied with Her only smile of the interview: “Rock climbing, I think. Yes… on Olympic Mons. Best climb in the solar system. I’m proud of that one.” Waving Her hand in the direction of Earth, she added, “A lot prouder of that Martian volcano than I am of you. Why did I ever let you evolve from slime mold?”
At that point the Angel Gabriel appeared and your reporter was cast from heaven. The last words he heard were Her shouting, “Now bring me those damn Imams. They are SO not making my day.” A dust storm covered the entire Middle East.
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