ThePolemist.Net

(Heaven, 7 August 2007) In an exclusive interview with The Polemist this morning, God mightily expressed Her irritation at the Catholic Church and its latest scandals. “What a collection of losers,” she said. “Don’t those damn priests have anything better to do than diddle little kids?”

Pacing Her office like an irritated and hungry tiger, God continued her rant brooking no questions. “Didn’t these creeps sign up to do good works? Like, maybe administer to the poor? Take care of the sick, fight injustice? How about giving a little comfort here and there? God knows you all need it. I mean REALLY! How hard can giving comfort be?”

Referring to the billions of dollars the Church has paid to silence their victims, God added, “That money should have been used to clean up the mess you - ALL of you - have made of the world. The world I gave you, you might remember!”

God characterized the church’s molestation scandal as only the latest in a long line of transgressions. “Inquisitions. Hate mongering. Snuggling up to vicious dictators and loony self-important kings. Imperious pronouncements… infallibility? Oh yeah, the popes got that one right. NOT! This is the straw too far. I’ve had it with the lot of them.”

God seemed particularly incensed at what She described as the Church’s “dissing” of anybody who dares to talk to Her in ways not Church-approved. “The gall!” She shouted, pounding Her fist on Her desk, causing earthquakes in the Himalayas. “If those old farts in dresses don’t shape up, I’ll pull my name right off their precious crucifixes and THEN where will they be?” God then sentenced the Catholic Church to “a taste of its own medicine” as penance.

“I hereby order the entire organization - the clergy, the believers, the scholars and bureaucrats and most particularly the pope and his lackey cardinals and stooge bishops - to observe 500 years of silence,” she commanded. As her voice boomed throughout the heavens, the sky opened and dumped hail on Boston, fires on L.A. and toads on the Vatican. “It’s time for Catholics to shut up about everybody else’s sins and contemplate their own for a while. The bloody lot of them! ”

God’s then hinted that 500 years may not be enough. “Let’s see what they accomplish in half a millennium. QUIETLY!” She said. “Then we’ll talk.”

God said She is so disgusted with humanity “in oh so many ways” she is taking some personal time to think the relationship over. “You oh-so-self-important homo sapiens can rot on your own for a while.” Asked where God goes on vacation, She said, “Rock climbing. On Olympic Mons, I think. Best climb in the solar system. I’m proud of that one.” She waved her hand in the direction of Earth. “A lot prouder of that volcano than I am of you,” she added, “I should’ve never let you evolve from slime mold.”

At that point the Angel Gabriel appeared and your reporter was cast from heaven.